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e m P t Y

Tried to write a letter; In ink
I've got a piece of paper; But it's Empty

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Friday, February 13, 2009 ( 5:49 PM )

i realised that life is becoming more and more like those mindless RPG games i used to play in primary school. everything that i do requires energy and time. and thats why my plans always defeat me. i try to achieve too much at the same time. i have always known that producing results need consistent work, but have always been refusing to accept it. i want to become good overnight. not possible.

while determination can overcome many obstacles, sheer hard work and willpower does not always work. my body has its limits too. i have been neglecting an important aspect, rest. which has led to me ponning prac today -.-

right now, though i might always quip about getting 6 points, i really have no idea how to go about doing it, though i know it'll all work out in the end. my maths are settled, it has really improved alot, though not to expectations. chem is pretty okay. physics is very weak and i really dont know when i am going to start revising, cause i have not. english and ch is total nonsense. and chinese, i dont really care.

sometimes i hate myself so much. for wasting ridiculous amounts of time. in sec1, i just got into VS and didnt understand the importance of studying. cause i had never done it in my entire life. sec2, i stupidly believed everyone who said it was a honeymoon year. SA2 average, 61.4. eligible for triple science? no. double humans? nope. and not being able to take bio is one of the biggest regrets in my life, though i might often deny it. to think i ignored mr khor's words when he said that taking 7 subs and trying to score well would be an uphill task.

sec3, never ever below 20 points. and foolishly thrown away a whole term's worth of marks by messaging in class everyday and literally talking through lessons, not bothering to pay attention AT ALL. L1R5 38. the report slip was never signed. realisation first hit when i had to go for ESP and couldnt attend the day camp. the guilt and sadness. being the only one (or two) left behind. it felt horrible. i promised myself i would never be restricted by bad results again. i got out of ESP the next term.

i now have 9 months (or less) to catch up with 4 years of work. which means i have to study 4x harder than what im supposed to. this is all my fault, i have to bear the responsibility. and if i never score what's expected of me or better, i will never forgive myself. for not value adding the school, which has given more than i can ever ask for.

i want to be the one to pull up my class, my cohort. the one the sec4s of next year will be idolising when mr low goes through the o level stats. that smart boy people talk about. i want to show everybody who has looked down on me my true capabilities. i want to show that there are smart 7 subbers. i want to prove teachers wrong. teachers who think i cant get 6. i want to show my gratitude to mrs setho, though her teaching isnt that fantastic. and to shout out again to her that i got six points, this time for real :D

and i mean everything i have said. these arent empty words.
the days when i used to find convenient excuses for everything are over.
i can cheat anyone but myself and the examiner.

kaine. you have 9 months left. go for it. SIX SIX SIX!

i feel bad for skipping the china trip. yet another broken promise):